Luke 21:25 regarding the end of times:
“There will be signs in pop and rock and hip hop, and on the earth dismay among genres, but mostly in perplexity at the roaring of the screams and the breakdowns, men fainting from fear and laughter of the Screamo renditions which are coming upon the world; for the powers of the heavens will be shook. “Then they will see THE SON OF MAN COMING IN A CLOUD with power and great glory while the earth is subsequently destroyed.”
As foretold by ancient scripture, the impending apocalypse will be shrouded in natural disasters, false prophets, and whiny middle-aged men with layered side bangs screaming out Drake songs atop drop D power chords. Well, the sign of the times is here, and it’s infinitely worse than any soothsayer could have previously imagined.
If you are not a pre-teen struggling with the raging hormones of transformative puberty, you may not be familiar with the ongoing trend of musical blasphemy known as Screamo Covers; a phenomenon first bestowed unto this earth via Fearless Records and their god-awful Punk Goes compilation series back in the mid-2000’s. The multiple volume series consisting of Punk Goes Crunk and Punk Goes Pop, features the biggest names in the Warped Tour circuit and their heinous pop-punk/post-hardcore renditions of chart-topping radio hits.
It’s quite amazing, actually — these bands and their uncanny ability to take any song and turn it into sheer ear-punishment. We’re talking about the power to induce full-body convulsions from the overwhelming amount of auditory cringe they’ve packed into a single song. It’s also soooo fucking funny, too. It seems appropriate for that strange ‘scene kid’ explosion that happened back in the MySpace days of yore, but the fact that this is still going on today is truly baffling.
I’ve been laughing at this for over a decade now, so I figured it was time to share the best of the best (or worst of the worst?) that I’ve encountered after years of deep investigation into the dark corners of YouTube. So without further ado, I present to you the top five worst screamo covers on the Internet:
5. Damnear Divine cover PITBULL…yeah, Pitbull…
Oh my god, dude. Just looking at the still image is funny enough. Check out Mr. Steal Your 14-year-old sister on the far left! Dude probably still has a MySpace. Not to mention the guy on the very right looks like he was just a normal football loving dude who tried out for the band and they let him join under one contingency: he must get a lip ring. The song was already terrible guys, we didn’t need to hear it get worse.
4. Seraphin ruins Drake’s “Hotline Bling”
What makes me howl so hard with this one is how god damn serious they all take themselves. Bro, you’re covering a DRAKE SONG about BOOTY CALLS. I know you can’t relate, don’t try to act like you feel your heart strings tearing with every lyric that comes out of your mouth.
3. Amyst makes an abomination of Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep”
Laughter ensues immediately as the track begins with young comb over hitting those Tenor notes in dying feline fashion and emulsifies into gut-wrenching hilarity when an extremely uninvited breakdown comes into play. You just made that shit up and sang the same lyrics!
2. A Burning Body makes a whiney bitch anthem out of Turn Down For What
Yo, Ice T! You really that washed up, bro? There’s nothing better you could be doing for a little cash? Maybe he just understands that scene kids just want to turn up just like the rest of us…”My mom told me to turn it down, to which I replied in a loud growl, ‘TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?’ You can’t make me turn down, MOM! It’s not fair!”
1. DCCM desecrates “Black Beatles” by Rae Sremmurd
You guys win. You really did it. Jumping on the coattails of Rae Sremmurd’s immensely popular, Black Beatles, the screamo outfit DCCM delivers what is, without a doubt, the cringy-est “metal” rendition of the century. You just haaaaad to throw some low budget dubstep in there too, didn’t you? I guarantee you won’t even catch your local Hot Topic general manager bumping this in his ’99 Honda Civic hatchback.
Honorable Mention: Falling In Reverse recruits Coolio to make a mockery of his own song.
My guy is wearing a FUKK hat, people. That’s with a “KK” as if he is too gangsta to sport a “CK” in fear that it might be interpreted as “Crip Killa”. Dude’s got a teardrop tattoo. Please watch this until the breakdown at the very end where he delivers a menacing, “Ha ha ha, Fuck Everybody!” and shouts out Fearless Records, but not fucking COOLIO who made the original and agreed to be featured in their awful video.
I’m sure there are dozens of other worthy contenders for this bout, though truthfully, I do not possess the fortitude to seek them out. Please feel free to submit any renditions we may have overlooked to RinseCultureCollective@gmail.com